Cultural Exchange
by unsure-author
Summary: Karkat needs to learn about human dating as quickly as possible. Dave decides to help out. Will their cultural exchange become something more? Dave hopes not. The cover of this story was drawn by Kayotics on deviantART.
1. Chapter 1

Dave Strider was a massive enigma of ironic coolness wrapped up in a tortilla whose primary ingredient was mystery. Or at least, that's how he liked to think of himself. So why the hell was he standing outside Karkat's room, ear cocked towards the cracked door, spying like some little dweeb?

Mostly because Karkat was being insanely more interesting than usual, and Dave made it a point to know all the haps aboard the little meteor home he shared with his troll bros and Rose. Lately, Karkat had been secretive and isolated, shutting himself up in his room and refusing to talk to anyone. Normally this kind of thing wouldn't interest Strider. Just Karkat being a total loser like normal, he had thought. Until he saw Karkat sneak a particular book out of the main lab…

A book that was very familiar.

His ear tilted to the gap between the door and its frame, Dave listened intently to the muttering troll boy.

"These drawings make no sense…" Karkat growled under his breath. Dave grinned evilly as his suspicions were confirmed. The book Karkat had taken was most definitely the one he'd dubbed a 'fight fueled Ouija board of cock'. Now he had to wonder why Karkat was so obsessed with the damn book. "What is that even…?" Karkat muttered.

Dave pushed open the door as silently as his ninja skills could allow, and then crept up behind Karkat. He was sitting at a desk in his room, his weird laptop opened on the Trollian chat. The huge tome lay open, and Dave very nearly snickered. Lo and behold, Karkat was looking at the page he'd tried to turn into a psycho ass dating schedule for Terezi. The scribbled dicks all over the page had Dave fondly remembering the sweet ass suplex he'd given Karkat for being so weird. Good times.

"The fuck, Karkat?" Dave said suddenly. Karkat screeched angrily and slammed the book closed. He turned around, a furious crimson blush blooming on his face.

"What the hell are you doing in my fucking room!" Karkat yelled. Dave grinned easily.

"Just wondering what you were up to, Karkles. Is that a good read?"

Karkat growled angrily and faced away from Dave, drumming his fingers on the book's cover. "Go away, Strider."

Dave sighed and leaned in over Karkat's shoulder. He knew how much Karkat hated having his personal space violated, and Dave was eager to piss Karkat off. "Why were you looking at doodled dicks?"

"None of your fucking business."

"Hmm." Dave hummed, breathing in Karkat's ear. Karkat squawked angrily and batted Dave away.

Karkat's cheeks were a dull pink, and his amber eyes were narrowed into squinting slits. "You're not going to leave me alone, are you Strider?" Dave shook his head slightly. "If I tell you what I'm doing, will you go?"

"Maybe."

"Jegus, you can't even lie and say yes?" Karkat growled.

Dave sighed, ready to lay his wicked cool dude aura down on the pitiful rage troll. "I ain't gonna lie to you, Karkles."

"Stop calling me that."

"Karkat, if you need help, all a brother gotta do is ask." Dave drawled. "I mean, obviously you're freaking out about something." Karkat eyed him, sneering.

"You don't wanna know, fuckass." Karkat growled. "It's something… personal."

David groaned suddenly. "This isn't more of your creepy shipping nonsense, is it?" Karkat grinned evilly.

"Exactly, Strider Human. So unless you want to hear some 'creepy shipping' business, I suggest you vacate my Respiteblock as quickly as possible." Karkat returned his focus to the tome, a look of angry concentration twisting his face. Dave stared at the back of Karkat's head, an idea starting to form in his head. But surely, Karkat couldn't be… No…

The un-irony of the situation struck Dave straight to his core, and he began to laugh. Karkat refused to turn around, instead allowing a low growl to emanate from his chest. Dave struggled to regain his cool composure, but it was impossible. The realization of what Karkat was doing was simply too good to be true.

"FUCK!" Karkat screamed. He shoved the tome right off the desk and whirled around to face Dave. "What the fuck is so fucking funny?"

"You're trying to figure out what human dongs look like!" Dave said, tears leaking from underneath his super hip shades. "That's precious Karkat. So fucking funny."

"Damn it Strider!" Karkat shouted. He began to do that weird troll thing, almost gnashing his teeth, a common troll aggression tactic. His jaws trembled as he fisted his hair between his fingers. "Leave me the fuck alone!"

"Jegus, Karkat, calm the hell down. You're getting spit on my God Tier cape." Dave said. It was ironic to care about such dorky clothes. "So why are you so thirsty for human dong info, anyways. I thought you weren't interested in human anatomy."

It was true. Karkat displayed an obsession for romantic pairings and shipping charts, but wanted nothing to do with the physical part of relationships. He'd nearly had an aneurism walking in on Dave changing one day. He'd gotten one look at Dave's upper chest and started screaming about public indecency. Which was stupid, because he'd come into Dave's room without even knocking. Ever since that day, Dave had taken to harassing Karkat by slipping his shirt down his shoulders, exposing his tanned and freckled skin.

"I…" Karkat said, slowly relaxing his jaw. "It's nothing." A blush reappeared on his face. Dave took a moment to appreciate the nuances of a troll's blush. Rose had begun compiling a reference to troll-human relationships three years prior, but had been running up against a wall. The trolls simply disliked talking about their culture. Something deep inside them seemed to keep them from opening up. Cultural conditioning, most likely.

Dave pressed his hand against his face, taking a second to be sure that his ironic façade was upheld. "If you need help…", he said, feeling every inch of his being trying to adjust to the thought of being amiable towards this raging douche, "I'm here… For you." Karkat looked just as uncomfortable as he felt, which was good. "So… See you later." Dave urgently wanted to leave. Maybe he could go find something ironic to do… Hell, he'd been away from SBaHJ for a while, he could go do that.

"I do!" Karkat barked as Dave reached for the door. Dave cursed himself, not wanting to deal with Karkat's icky little shipping issues. Why the hell had he offered help in the first place? Maybe it was because he felt so terrible for Karkat. I mean, there was no person or troll in the universe as uncool as Karkat. "I need help." Karkat growled.

"Fine. What do you need?" Dave said.

"Just… tell me something."

Dave frowned. "Like what?"

"Something."

"Like what?"

"Something!" Karkat screamed. His jaw started moving again, which made Dave want to giggle.

"How about this…" Dave said. "Rose is writing a book, and she needs help. We can trade cultural information. I'll tell you all the wicked shit I know about human relationships, and you tell me junk about troll life stuff." Karkat's jaw relaxed, and he growled once before sighing.

"Ok." He said angrily. Dave sighed. Maybe he was in over his head.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Thanks a lot to Kayotics, who allowed me to use her drawing of Karkat for my story cover. Check out her deviantART: and her tumblr: .com.

The links to both these are also on my profile page!

As always, please review! Thanks~

* * *

Dave hoisted the weights over his head, grunting with the effort. Sweat covered his body. His wife beater clung to his skin as he hefted his dumbbells around. Suddenly, he flung the dumbbells down and sighed. "Could you… Give me some space?" Dave grumbled.

Karkat was sitting on a stool next to Dave, staring intently at the perspiring blonde. "I'm not even that fucking close to you." Karkat said, feeling the irritation rising in his throat.

"Your eyes are like, creepy hands fondling my sculpted body temple. I would like you to stop eye-fondling me Karkat." Dave said bluntly.

"I am fondling nothing!" Karkat screeched.

"Damn, dude. Calm down. I'm going to go pee. Don't watch me, ok?" Dave said, wandering out of the room. Karkat hissed bitterly at his back. He mentally berated himself for agreeing to this stupid idea. He hadn't learned anything in the three days since they had agreed to learn about each other's cultures. So today, he'd decided to closely observe every action the Dave Human made. He had to completely understand the nuances of human behavior of he was to ever… Ugh! He couldn't even think about it.

Karkat tapped his fingers on the edge of the stool, his lips wrinkling and showing his sharp teeth. What was taking him so fucking long? Karkat took a deep breath. Jegus, he'd only been gone a few seconds… No need to freak out…

"He fucking ditched me!" Karkat shouted. He stormed out of Dave's room, walking down the grey hallways of the meteor lab, seeking out the wily human boy. He heard Dave's voice echo down the hallway.

"Chill out Karkat, you're a spazz." Karkat followed the sound of Dave's voice, imagining all the terrible things he'd do to Dave when he found him. No one ditches Karkat Vantas! He found the door to the bathroom Dave was occupying and angrily banged on it.

"GET OUT HERE YOU ASS." Karkat cried.

"I'm pissing, leave me alone." Dave said. Karkat angrily stood outside the door, and when Dave came out, he gnashed his teeth at him, trying to calm himself down.

"Ok, Karkat, chill the hell out." Dave growled. "Pro tip: humans don't like being followed around and harassed by dicks." Karkat took a deep breath. Dave frowned slightly. "Alright, I guess I haven't been teaching you enough. Come back to my room."

They sat down on the edge of Dave's bed. Dave flexed his fingers and sighed. "What do you want to know first?"

"Tell me what human males like." Karkat said. Dave furrowed his brow.

"Too vague. If you wanna know how to throw down with bros, you're gonna have to be more specific, rage muffin."

"Don't ever call me that again." Karkat growled. "Fine. Tell me what human males like… in a matesprit."

"That's like the fucked up troll way of saying boyfriend or something, right?"

Karkat groaned. "Sure. Now fucking tell me."

Dave sighed. This was horribly awkward. "Everyone likes something different. It's like, some guys want a tough guy and others want a soft guy. It's all about bears and twinks, Karkle."

Karkat huffed. "Stop giving me fucking nicknames." Dave nodded solemnly. "What the fuck is a bear? What is a twink?"

"Forget that. Why do you want to know so much about human relationships, anyways?" Dave asked.

"None of your fucking business." Karkat hissed. Dave sighed.

"Alright, how about this. We'll just talk, get some words flowing, have a conversation type deal, ok?" Dave said calmly. Karkat nodded. "Trust me, I am the sickest mofo when it comes to flowing words, Karkat. I flow all the words. All of them." Karkat grated his teeth together. Dave grinned.

"Perfect!" Dave shouted. "What the fuck is that?" Karkat flinched and sneered.

"What is what?"

"That thing you do. When you get mad, you like, do this." Dave said. He opened his mouth and wiggled his jaws up and down quickly. "It's like, when cats see birds or something they want to flipping kill, they do funky jams with their jaws."

Karkat snapped his teeth together and hummed. "It's one of the many troll expressions that we use to communicate. It can be used two ways. If you're grinning when you do it, you're expressing your superiority. When you frown," Karkat chattered his teeth angrily to demonstrate, "It's to express the desire to rip into your opponent's flesh." Dave nodded sagely. "There are a few more essential facial expressions that are really fucking important to troll social life."

Dave leaned back against his headboard and nodded. "Show me."

Karkat suddenly stuck his tongue out of his mouth, the slick organ quickly vibrating against his lower teeth. "Thith meanth you're dithguthted with thomething." Karkat lisped. He sucked his tongue back in and grinned deviously. "It's the ultimate insult. Imagine your puny human 'middle phalange' gesture times the biggest number your miniscule brain can imagine."

"And you just did it at me." Dave said blankly. Karkat giggled evilly. "Mature." Dave frowned and then sighed. "Ok, let me think about this sex ed thing for a second. I ain't a fucking teacher or anything. Although I am definitely an expert on all things romantic."

"How… how would one initiate a romantic encounter with a human?" Karkat whispered. Dave smiled.

"How do you initiate romance with a troll?" Dave asked. Karkat blushed.

"If it is your matesprit, they come to your respiteblock during a heat cycle and you just… fill buckets." Karkat said. He was obviously uncomfortable. It was slightly endearing to Dave, seeing Karkat not being a huge dick for once. "With a kismesis, the bucket filling is initiated with a gesture of the most sordid kind."

"Oh, what is it?" Dave asked, his voice dull and monotone. Inside, he was truly curious, but couldn't let his coolness be shaken for some silly troll romance.

"A kiss." Karkat hissed. Dave laughed, and then regained his composure as Karkat chattered at him again. "It is the most vile and angry form of romantic expression!" Karkat said.

"Dude, you are in trouble then. Humans express their… matesprick stuff with lots of kisses."

"Matesprit."

"Whatever. Making out and kissing are the main ways humans express their red feelings!"

Karkat grumbled. "In troll culture, sloppy make outs are an essential part of both matespritship and kismesitude."

Dave grinned softly. "Human make out sessions are rarely sloppy… Unless you're into that kind of thing." Karkat blushed furiously.

"There are too many fucking differences!" Karkat shrieked. "You idiots are like the exact fucking opposite of us! How the hell did we create such a dopey universe?"

"I don't know, maybe if you didn't suck so hard, this wouldn't be a problem." Dave said. "You're too high strung to sex up humans, man. Humans, we need tender lovings. We need that sexy romance shit. No amount of buckets can win a human, Karkat."

"Why the fuck would you need more than one bucket!" Karkat shouted.

"Man, honestly, still not 100% clear on the function of buckets." Dave admitted.

"I'm never going to be able to fucking figure this out!" Karkat screeched. Dave sighed. This kid was giving him a migraine.

An idea floated through his mind, and Dave tried desperately to force it back into oblivion. Unfortunately, despite his title as coolest guy to ever exist, even Dave Strider could not unthink a thought.

"Look, I have an idea, ok? But hear me out before you bunch up your grubby little panties, ok?" Dave said. Karkat nodded. "I will coach you in the art of human romance. You can practice… on me."

"FUCK NO." Karkat screamed. He got up to go, when Dave suddenly blurted out.

"I know you're trying to get with John." Karkat turned to face Dave and flashed him his gray troll tongue. "Stuff that back in your mouth, son. It's obvious. Plus I read some of your Trollian chat logs." Karkat hissed violently and shuddered.

"Gog dammit Strider I fucking hate you." Karkat growled. Dave nodded swiftly.

"Look, I don't like you either, but John is my bro. If I have to teach you good make outs just so he can be satisfied, so be it. I think he'd do the same for me. Or he wouldn't. Whatever." Dave said. He extended a hand out to the enraged troll. "Let me help you."

Karkat seemed broken. He fidgeted and made weird clicking noises as he stared at Strider's hand. "FUCK!" He screamed, twitching spastically. "FINE!" He grabbed Dave's hand and shook it roughly.

"Oh by the way for every coaching session you have to spend two hours telling Rose everything she wants to know about trolls." Dave said quickly. Karkat hissed bitterly. "You shook on it, bro."

And he had.


End file.
